And that’s not clickbait at all, the closest I can compare it to is being punched in the gut repeatedly every minute or so.

My life in London is kind of a constant state of the above, separated by work, which distracts me enough during the daytime (or perhaps invokes other, stronger anxieties), however leaving with a strong hangover of going back home in the evening.

It feels like running at 20% capacity, sometimes getting to the point where I can barely get myself to do chores & day to day stuff. Or prepare food. Not to mention cleaning, which usually ends up postponed until the day before someone comes to visit me. Postponed out of feeling powerless. All I can do is lie on my bed and search for the next distraction.

I’m reasonably good at maintaining professional relationships with people, but anything deeper, they will have to initiate.

The longer it goes on, the more I end up thinking that nobody else is lonely besides me. That what I feel my needs are, are weird, and different. Other people are all good with being alone. They are satisfied with only surface-level, professional connections. They don’t want someone to cuddle with in the evening.

On the rare occasions I get to be intimate with someone, I realize that fuck no, there is more depth to people, and we all want to feel loved. I mean, of course.

Constantly being punched in the gut leaves me falling into meaninglessness, leaving all my actions to be motivated either by the urge for distraction, or by my sense of excessive responsibility at work. Nothing around I want to do, or what I am excited about remains. Just the autopilot.

It is like a void into which you fall deeper and deeper, and the harder it becomes to get out of it. The less and less I feel like initiating.

I want to be going after something. I want to play the game. I see where I want to be, but I just can’t make myself get there. It’s very hard to do anything in this state. It’s like starving. Or like pressing the gas pedal while the car is in neutral.

And once deep in the void, it’s very easy to feel that this is really what I deserve. And no one wants to be with me.