I used to have goals. I used to have strong motivations. These were the things that kept me going and anything that didn’t align with them, I had extreme difficulty getting myself to do. This is why I performed so poorly in high school, and this is why I dropped out of university. I simply could not do stuff for the sake of it. While at first sight, this could look like irresponsible & self-centered behavior, I do value this in myself a lot, since it never allows me to settle. It basically makes it impossible for me to do something I don’t find meaning in.
In the last few years, something shifted. I feel I’m losing this. It is fair to say, that at this point, I don’t have any goals and I am not particularly motivated. I don’t know where I am going, and I am a little bit ashamed of it. Maybe this is because I feel like “I made it”. What I have now in terms of career was all I dreamed about - working at one of the biggest tech companies, going behind the curtain, uncovering the mysteries I was always fascinated by as a child. (I was really a fan. I watched The Internship so many times - this is me recreating the Golden Gate Bridge shot during my first time in the US.)
But what now? Previously, the next step was always so clear. But I guess I grew up. Do I keep working at the same place for the next decade, become an expert in a specific area, and get promoted many times? I don’t know if that is for me. I need a finish line to train & go for.
I want to create, instead of maintain. Solve something really really hard, instead of maintaining a solution to a really really hard problem that someone solved before me. I want the challenge of doing and creating something impossible. And once done, move on to create the next thing.
What role is that? Or should I just get a life lol?